For every person out there who wants to wax complainy about how there’s “too many” candidates in the Democratic presidential race, thinks the debates have been an overcrowded shit show, or overall deems it just plain silly that so many people are running, I give you this:
Remember those days? When voters were so completely disengaged & apathetic, THIS is the best we could come up with? I remember trying to work up the enthusiasm to advocate for him, and didn’t get very far. The only positive quality I could come up with was “he speaks several languages.”
Hence I am over the moon about the possibility of actual, you know, options to consider for 2020. I don’t know yet who I’ll be voting for, but I am relishing the current circus, not only because it indicates democracy may have taken a much-needed Vivarin in preparation for the big test, but also cuz there is now so much room for humor. Everyone on the slate – fodder for The Disgruntler. So let’s get on with it.

Dictionary. Def. Look it up.
Biden. What up, JB! A nice-enough seeming guy, been around the block a few times, probably do an OK job as Prez, but I don’t think we can afford to set the bar as low as “OK” anymore (cough cough Dukakis cough), can we? What with imminent environmental and economic disasters looming, electing a person who is essentially the very dictionary definition of Status Quo isn’t going to cut it. Plus, the dude casually sidled into the race, fashionably late, with the attitude he was already a shoo-in, and then looked bewildered when people started asking him tough questions. “Look – I’ve been answering tough questions since before most of you were born. If you want to ask me questions like this, well then I’m going to have to keep giving half-cocked answers then launch into an unrelated, awkwardly-delivered diatribe about stuff I did once. I can do this all day, guys, really, so keep it coming. Next?!”
Elizabeth Warren ♥. She is the professor I always really admired, but knew I would disappoint ♠. Her platform is so extensive, well thought-out and articulated, it makes me feel ashamed. Every time I read another of the amazing plans she’s developed to fix This Mess We’re In, I am uncomfortably reminded of my inability to live up to my own potential, and all the times I BSed my way through things that I really should not have. So I’m guessing she’ll probably end up with my vote.

poor bastard
BERNIE. Sorry dude, I was behind you 100% last time, and it’s a bummer that the progressive wave that started swelling thanks to your strong showing in 2016 may very well leave you behind in the backwash. But you are OLD! Which is a very valid concern, methinks: the U.S. Presidency is officially the Worst Job in the World, and turned relative spring chickens Clinton and Obama into grey-haired, stressed-out lookin’ dudes by the end of their tenures. What’s to become of an already white-haired fellow in a pressure cooker like that?
Andrew Yang. The Yangster! Silicon Valley ‘Drew! Maybe a tad too Libertarian for my taste (they’re so salty! you know, like nuts), but I dig this guy on some levels. He is funny, personable, smart, and most importantly, discussing very real concerns about the future that no-one else seems to be thinking about. And he regularly talks smack about Amazon, which is nice. Anyway, apparently we are on the precipice of a predominantly roboticized economy, and the Yangster wants to make sure we’re all taken care of when that happens. So that’s cool, thanks for looking out for us, Drew, BUT – what about the part where we FIGHT OFF the impending robotifying of everything? The assumption he’s operating on here is that we’re all just going to roll over and let that shit happen with zero pushback, and that doesn’t sit right with me. Oh well, as long as I’ll have my $1K/month UBI rolling in, I won’t have all that much to complain about, I guess …..
Mayor Pete! OMG YOU ARE SO ADORABLE. You’re definitely saying a lot of the right things, and doing so SO eloquently, you sometimes give me chills a little. But then maybe I’m just catching a cold. Gimme a call in another 8 or 10 years when you can grow a full beard and we’ll talk.

hottie with sub-par skillz? highly possible
Beto, my punk rock brutha! I would love for it to work out between us, really I would, but I’m not sure. I’ve had relationships like this before – when you finally manage to drift into the Hot Guy’s orbit, get to know him better, and then wake up one day to realize he’s not quite as Hot as you thought. It’s not just the amateur-level cunnilingus and farting in bed I’m talking about here, but how readily the thin veneer of Cool cracks open occasionally to expose the floundering wannabe inside. Maybe he & Mayor Pete can strategize together for a few years and get back to us. Next?!
Kamala (sorry, no, it’s pronounced “Kamala”) – I want to be able to say I have her back, oh so badly I do, because I thoroughly enjoy how truly terrifying she can be, and would be proud to have CA represent in the WH. But I am never entirely sure WTF Senator Harris is talking about half the time, and you just gotta know she’s got loads of skeletons in that big-ass closet. All the candidates do, I suppose, but politics in SF is a brutal bloodsport, and that’s where she cut her teeth, so, to quote Joey Ramone, I don’t wanna go down to the basement on that one. Or I don’t think I do. We’ll see.
And the rest of you candidates? Julián, Cory, Tom, Marianne, et al? Egads, I can’t take you all on! This field is overcrowded, dammit! And Marianne is really far too easy of a target anyway.