The Pariah Chronicles, or, Why I Haven’t Posted Anything Here in Exactly One Year

25 May
Image

Hollywood’s interpretation of Disgruntler as Pariah

Vol. I – November 2013

So I recently ended a long-term relationship, a transition that started off sort of OK, then I royally fucked it up with a Death Spiral of Lies, and then basically got booted out of my house. That’s the abridged Reader’s Digest version. Actually I think that summation may be short enough to be a tweet, plus no-one probably even knows what I’m talking about when I mention Reader’s Digest …. So yeah, I guess that’d be my Twitter feed on what went down … except that I thankfully have no personal bandwidth available to participate in Twitter. And if I did, I really hope I’m not self-absorbed enough to go ahead and tweet something like that for the entire blatho-sphere to suck down.

However I am the person guilty of the Death Spiral of Lies, so who knows what I’m capable of these days.

Let’s back up.

I fucked up big time, I’m a fuck up, I’m living the fuck-hole life of a fucking pariah right now (I think I need to invent a new word that combines “fuck” and “pariah” in order to really capture it), which is, as I’m sure one can guess, perfectly fucking lovely. Among many other things, being a pariah automatically precludes one from publicly airing snarky commentary or making humorous observations about her predicament (if there actually are any to be made), which is sort of my general M.O., so it’s been especially tough. Writing like I am now is the best way for me to process and make sense of things, but I haven’t dared to since this whole thing started. I guess I feel like I don’t have the right.

Vol. II – May 2014

Jarring jump-cut to the present day. Have my rights yet been restored? Perhaps partially. But I can’t speak to whether or not time heals all proverbial wounds, since I am the wounder, not the woundee. Things here in Pariahdom have gotten a bit smoother, a little less pariah-y, and some of the people peeved at me have grown slightly less peeved, I suppose. Unfortunately, the only existing route to the Wounded Party still remains the Eggshell Highway, and most likely this will continue to be the case for some time. It’s a road I must traverse regularly I’m afraid, given that we have a kid and a house and related logistics to negotiate and whatnot. Ah, modern life.

What’s proven trickier, however, is the slow unfurling of my suddenly very tightly-guarded self. Virtually overnight, some 7 months ago, I went from Open Book status in almost all affairs, to holy shit, Circle the Wagons. And when you are a Wagon of One, your circle is very very rigid. Since barricading myself here, I’ve barely dared to breathe, lest I make any pariahdom-aggravating missteps. I painstakingly question and evaluate every move I want to make before I make it, putting me into a perpetual state of second-guessing myself that has been an especially difficult adjustment, given that my natural emotional state is Casual Friday. I don’t really have the wardrobe for anything else …. so I guess that’s why I haven’t ventured out much. Emotionally, that is. Jesus I’m getting lost here inside this ridiculous metaphor … where was that emergency exit I saw a few hallways back?

oh, here it is

As for the unfurling, I suppose it will come with time. I have so much I want to overshare and blather on about, good things as well as bad, but I can’t just yet. Actually, almost all of it is good, but of course “good things happening for oneself” is an especially taboo topic of discussion for a pariah, so I’m keeping a lid on it for now. In the meantime kids, my recommendation is – don’t try this at home!

 

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4 Responses to “The Pariah Chronicles, or, Why I Haven’t Posted Anything Here in Exactly One Year”

  1. Marc Coronado May 25, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    Disgruntler — one morning, you’ll wake up and realize that being so hard on yourself is really not healthy, fun, or useful for you or for those you think you’ve wronged. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you do need to find a way to forgive yourself, and then just let the rest go. I adore your spunk, gusto and all things that make you crazy brave. Don’t let that amazing girl disappear.

    • the disgruntler May 26, 2014 at 5:33 pm #

      Thank you for your concern! I am actually not all that down on myself, but am struggling with the fact that, out of respect for all involved parties, I can neither air my woes, nor discuss all of the good that’s come out of this. Not that I am that interested in being uber-public about everything, but there is a great deal of catharsis in hammering shit out on the keyboard, so I can pretty much only do it for myself at this point, which isn’t always very satisfying. For now, I’ll have to take what I can get.

  2. wampamuse May 27, 2014 at 10:33 am #

    Ah, i just tried to reply and got caught in the wordpress password web (it doesn’t help that i have like 5 wordpress accounts floating out there…) I will try again!!
    So Jenee, what i was saying was, I love the comment about emotional state being like Casual Friday!! and that someday this will become a book or solo show or SOMETHING….And that time WILL make a difference…I am living proof 😉

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