Traumatic Privileged Nightmare Headache

25 Sep

it's kinda like this

If anything can guarantee that a generally monthly-type blogger will go without uttering a single online word for nearly 9 months, it is the process of buying and selling a home.  FIRST, let me acknowledge, with no shortage of emphasis, that I understand that to even be allowed to endure the whole horrible ordeal is a luxury- a trauma of privilege, if you will.  THEN, let me proceed with a blow-by-blow of what makes it so incredibly horrendous, stressful, and shitty.  So bad I pretty much know for a fact that I am never fucking selling a house again.

The Rod Stewart of SF Real Estate

For starters, you have to find a realtor who isn’t such a greedy, narcissistic cheeseball, that his very existence makes you want to annihilate all of humanity.  Very few of these fuckers are in it for the altruism.  Early on, we made the mistake of admitting at an open house we impulsively stopped into one Sunday that we weren’t “working with anyone” yet.   I swear I heard a few heart rates accelerate as the realtors in the room feverishly licked their lips and descended upon us, desperate for new blood.  It is ugly and unpleasant, but if you think you can just go it alone in the San Francisco housing market, without a realtor, well – let me know how that works out for you.

After settling on a realtor with whom you can manage to spend an hour without throwing up,  Step Two in the process involves packing away 70% of your belongings, so when potential buyers come thru to look, your house appears to be owned by someone who actually lives somewhere else.  Or is merely a ghost who doesn’t impact the physical environment in any way.  Ever.  Fortunately, this particular ghost, her boyfriend and their teenaged son miraculously NEVER leave traces of their existence behind, because buyers don’t just come to scheduled open houses, oh no no!  In today’s Buyers‘ Market, they might just want to stop by, say, tomorrow at 11 a.m.!  Which is fine because they’re telling you this in plenty of time, it’s only 10:00 the night before, after all, and the presentation you have at work tomorrow isn’t that important anyway!  What IS really important?  Selling the goddamn house!

Oh, AND finding a house  you want to buy, there’s also that part.  Which is particularly tricky given that your new loan is approved “contingent on sale,” which means you can’t really make much of an offer on anything until you sell your own house, but you’ve got to look around anyway just to be ready, though of course you won’t completely know your budget because you don’t know what your current place will ultimately sell for. Then when it finally does, suddenly now you have roughly a month to find, offer, counter-offer, settle, close escrow, and move into your new house. See?  Simple!

While looking at houses is basically fun -at least if you’re a nosy voyeur like me – it loses its charm when you have to spend every spare moment you have doing it.  Don’t make any plans for the next couple of month’s worth of Sundays, folks, lest you inadvertently miss finding your Dream Home!  One that you can afford. In a neighborhood you like. That is an easy bus ride from your son’s school and not too far from work.  That meets all of your and your co-purchaser’s various other requirements, oh, and yes; one that you both agree on.   And happens to be listed right at the exact moment your own home is sold.  Cake.

Accepting an offer from a buyer is only the beginning of the fun!  If you think it’s all coasting from now til the close of escrow, well then you’ve been eating the moldy, 5 year-old Seller’s Market cupcakes and you’re about to be sick, trust me.  Nowadays, the buyers get to demand ridiculous things – like giving them a $40,000 credit because they’re going to have to do a little work on this 100 year-old house!  Apparently it isn’t common knowledge that a house built a century ago generally requires a little work.  Like constantly.  Also your buyers may feel entitled to to swing by and take a look around at things, you know, just whenever; or decide on the day escrow closes that it might be a good idea to hold onto a coupla grand of the sale price to make sure you get cleared out to their satisfaction on moving day. 

But like everything, this too does pass, and hopefully, eventually, everything works out OK.  But don’t say I didn’t warn you.  


4 Responses to “Traumatic Privileged Nightmare Headache”

  1. BC September 26, 2011 at 12:05 am #

    Welcome to the game.

    • the disgruntler September 26, 2011 at 6:59 am #

      Well, I’m done, so I’m not playing any more …..

  2. slo September 26, 2011 at 10:59 am #

    Nicely written. And restrained, all things considered.


  1. OW, My NOSE!!!! or, A Day In the Life of Prospecting for Realtors | BuySellJerseyShore - October 15, 2011

    […] Traumatic Privileged Nightmare Headache ( […]

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