Terror & Tiaras

27 Jan

Nothing, it seems,  inspires more animated discourse at dinner parties than the subject of the great perverse horror show that is the child beauty pageant circuit.  It’s as if the over-the-top hairdos and outfits that populate said circuit infuse themselves into the very conversation itself, and people can barely contain themselves: “Omigod can you believe what those kids go through?  Oh, and the parents, jeeeez-ace! (shudder)” Exaggerated eye-rolling and aghast, slack-jawed expressions while discussing the topic is simply unavoidable.


commence eye-rolling

Weird how something that is almost universally regarded as Horrible To The Core seems to be embraced by so many people.  I can feel my jaw slackening now just trying to get my mind around that…… Since I don’t think I really can, though, instead of trying, I am going to move on to summarize what I see as the recurring themes within this frightening subculture, an insight garnered from viewing the immensely popular – in a stare at the accident sort of way, I think – TV show, Toddlers & Tiaras.  Full disclosure here: due to an overly sensitive gag reflex, I have not done extensive or even adequate research via this medium.  Unlike most of the pageant contestants, I’m basically just improvising.

1)  90% of the Stage Moms are morbidly obese.  What does this mean, exactly?  That they’ve given up on themselves already, so, oh well, let’s put it all into the kid?   Don’t got time to go to the gym cuz every free moment is pageant, pageant, pageant!?  To be fair, they haven’t given up on their own looks entirely, as there does seem to some general effort put into the SM’s hair.  The favored style is usually a variation of an A-Line bob, with some spikiness or a carefully hairsprayed windblow-ish effect – just for a little extra pizazz – and always, ALWAYS some really bad multi-colored highlights.

2) Apparently, none of the Stage Moms have noticed that their husbands are gay.  Or maybe they have, but this fact is so incredibly convenient, for so many reasons, better  to leave well-enough alone.  A daddy who will help design costumes, train the shih-tzu to wear a tiny tiara, and silently endure grueling hours of vapid dance routines and make-up application?  Where do I sign!?

Russian. Skaters. On Acid.

3) All the kids’ outfits and makeup are clearly designed by Russian ice skaters on acid.  The whole fucked-up pathology of dressing a 4 year-old up like an “adult” aside, the prevailing aesthetic is simply horrific.  If I saw an actual adult sporting a curly updo ringed with fake flowers and glitter, pastel eye shadow glaring above false eyelashes and heavy pancake, and a sequined dress anchored by a ridiculously ruffled tutu that barely covers the bum,  I would sincerely LOL!  Oh, and don’t forget the white patent leather shoes & bobby socks, which really tie the whole outfit together, and serve as a demure wink & a nod to the audience, reminding us that of course we all know she’s really just an innocent little girl.

4) True pageant winners have the most awe-inspiring names!  The circuit is flooded with unique monikers like Seylee, Cealy, Claiborne, Keailah, Brenna, Bree-Anna,  Briley (say what?), plus of course the traditional favorites like Savannah (which I actually quite like), Dakota, and the long-running Britney/Brittany/Britinee/Britony etc.  Clearly, mom had pageanting on the agenda from day one, probably pre-coitus even, in choosing to bestow her newborn with one of these trophy-winning names.

ouch.

5) Everyone seems to have forgotten that “crowning” is what they call it when the baby’s head finally starts to emerge from the mommy’s v-hole, usually after many hours of great discomfort.  It’s not really something that at least one mom I know, Yours Truly, cares to be reminded about, repeatedly, by another mom with a bad haircut who can’t stop obsessing about what will happen when we get to The Crowning.

But it is all about The Crowning!  Silly me! Why else would you want, excuse me, your child want to participate in such a stressful, whiny, hairspray-allergy-induced haze of chaos?  It’s all about the glory of winning!  Capturing the crown, doing whatever it takes – which, in 8 yr-old Cealy’s case, means consuming a minimum of 10 pixie sticks on pageant day – to bring home the dream!

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2 Responses to “Terror & Tiaras”

  1. whatsaysyou February 1, 2011 at 6:20 am #

    Great blog article you got! Terror & Tiaras is a perfect title to match when a show has a bunch of very stupid mums forcing their kids to take up child beauty pageants at the expense of the children’s self-esteem and worth 😦 Keep it up and you’re not the only one.

  2. jeremiahblues February 26, 2011 at 6:53 am #

    There is something terribly wrong when you are a grown man in a room full of goblins in fairydresses and lipstick and you find yourself cheering at a baby in a bikini.

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